When they emerged from the pipe, the first thing Mcclane said was “Where the hell are we”
To answer his question, they were in a large open space. The ground appeared to be grassy. But that was where the normal stuff ended. Floating in the air were yellow blocks with question marks on them. And the hills literally appeared to have eyes. As did the clouds.
“I gotta be dreaming” said Mcclane pulling himself out of the pipe. Chowder soon followed.
“Oh cool!” said Chowder with sparkles in his eyes
“So where do we go now?” asked Mcclane
Chowder slapped his forehead
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Not really” said Mcclane “Where is it?”
“I dunno” said Chowder.
As Mcclane groaned in annoyance, Chowder took out the orb and pressed the button. The Critic and the Nerd appeared.
“What the hell do you want?” asked the Nerd
“What do we do now?” asked Mcclane
“Isn’t it obvious!” said the Nerd “Find the pipe which leads to England!”
“Well where is it!” said Mcclane. He’d long since given up trying to be reasonable with the Nerd and the Critic.
“Find it yourself!” snapped the Nerd “We’re very busy!”
Before Mcclane could do anything, the image disappeared.
“Goddamn it!” he yelled. Chowder walked up to him
“It’s ok” he said “How hard can it be?”
Shortly after setting off, they came across another green pipe.
“See” said Chowder “That wasn’t so difficult”
“Ok then” said Mcclane “You go first”
Walking up to the pipe, Chowder noticed that Mcclane was still standing.
“Aren’t you coming as well?”
“No” said Mcclane “You go in and report back to me”
Chowder shrugged “Well ok”
He then jumped into the pipe.
When Chowder emerged from the pipe, he found himself in countryside that looked like it had come from the same place as Mcclane. For a second Chowder thought he’d go back and get Mcclane. Then he decided to do something better. He’d scout out the area and report back to him. That way Mcclane wouldn’t be in any danger. So he set off down a path near the pipe.
After walking along the path for a while, Chowder came across something which startled him. In front of the path was what appeared to be a house or at least the remains of one. The wood which had once formed it was now black, charred and twisted. Being the curious type that he was, Chowder decided to investigate.
Behind the house was a path leading into a forest. The trees of the forest had an ominous air to them as though they were trying to tell Chowder to stay away. Chowder though feeling uneasy, ignored it and walked towards the forest. A strangely well-tended path lead into the trees which Chowder followed.
As he walked through the woods, Chowder wished Mcclane was with him. He felt safer with the big guy. And he could use safety right now. Every part of him was telling him to go back and yet he couldn’t bring himself too. Not until the area was properly scouted.
Eventually the path ended at a wooden gate. Above it was a sign that said “Pet Semetary”. Inside, Chowder could see hundreds of wooden grave markers. Curious he began to walk towards it.
“Wouldn’t go there if I was you!” said a voice from behind him.
Chowder jumped and cowered on the ground. A few seconds later, he realised this was stupid, so he got up and turned around. Standing behind him was a middle aged man. His hair was grey and his face had many lines.
“Who are you?” asked Chowder “Is this England?”
“No!” laughed the man “This is Maine!”
“Well is England close?” asked Chowder
“Are you kidding?” said the man “You’d have to be a great swimmer to get there from here”
Confused, Chowder decided to change the subject
“What is this place anyway? Why is it so dangerous?”
“Well” said the man “It’s cursed.”
Chowder shivered “Cursed!!!”
“Yeah” said the man grinning “Anything you bury in there comes back as a zombie!”
Chowder was shaking in his shoes “Really?”
“Yup” replied the man
Chowder put his hands on his hips and turned his head to one side. He was trying to look tough, but inside he was practically paralyzed with fear
“And how would you know that?”
“Because I buried my son and he came back, killed my family and tried to kill me” said the man “So I killed him. But I didn’t learn and buried my wife who tried to kill me as well. So I killed her”
At that point, Chowder legged it all the way back to the pipe.
Back at the pipe, Mcclane was getting tired of waiting for Chowder and had started smoking a cigarette. He briefly considered going down the pipe to look for him, but decided against it. Just as he decided this, Chowder popped out of the pipe, exhausted and extremely terrified.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked Mcclane
Chowder told him, between gasps
“See what I mean” said Mcclane “Imagine it had sent you to some inhospitable place. We need a different strategy”
“Look on the bright side” said Chowder “At least it can’t get any worse.”
Immediately after he finished speaking, it started to rain. Mcclane swore loudly and continuously for several seconds. Then he took a deep breath.
The two of them set off in the pouring rain.
After travelling through the rain for what seemed like an eternity, a house came into view. It had a red roof, yellow walls and a sign on top that read “Mario”. The lights inside were on.
“Finally!” said Mcclane “Another sign of life!”
“And a chance to get something to eat!” said Chowder
“So what’s for dinner tonight?” Mario asked his brother from their bedroom
“Spaghetti with Koopa tea and Shroom cake for dessert” he replied.
Mario put his hat on and walked into the dining room. Luigi had just set the table and put the food down
“What’s the matter?” asked Luigi “I thought you liked Spaghetti?”
“I do” said Mario “But it’s the same as what we had last night. And the 17 nights before that”
“Well it’s all we’ve got” replied Luigi as the two of them sat down “We might as well use it all up”
Mario had just finished chewing on his food and was about to eat some more when they heard a knock at the door.
“Typical” said Mario “Everytime we sit down to eat”
He then got up to answer it
Chowder and Mcclane were standing outside the house’s front door, shivering in the rain when the door opened revealing a small man with a mustache. He was wearing a red hat with an M on it and blue dungerees.
“Hi” he said “I’m Mario of the Mario brothers. How can I help you?”
“Can we come in” said Mcclane “We’re travelling and we need a place to stay for the night”
“And we’re hungry” said Chowder
“Well whattya waiting for!” said Mario “Come on it!”
As Mario showed Mcclane and Chowder into the house, none of them noticed two pairs of eyes watching them from a set of bushes a few yards in front of the house.
“So?” said the leader of the duo “Do ya think that’s them?”
His companion replied with a series of high pitched squeaks and growls that suggested that yes they were the people they were looking for.
“Right then” said the leader “Let’s go”
The interior of the house was mostly made of wood. In the corner sat a metal stove. A table was in the middle of the room with two steaming hot bowels of Spaghetti. A guy dressed similar to Mario only green instead of red sat at the table.
“Food!” said Chowder who noticed it as soon as he got in the door
“Have all you want” said Mario “I’m not hungry”
Chowder ran up to the bowel and grabbed it before Mcclane was even in the door.
“Hey Luigi” Mario said to the green guy “These guys are gonna be staying the night”
Luigi looked at Mcclane, then at Chowder who was sitting on the floor, noisily gobbling down the spaghetti.
“Well…ok” said Luigi “I guess we can’t leave em out in the cold”
Mcclane stepped into the house while Chowder carried on eating
“So what are you guys doing around here?” asked Mario “You don’t look like you’re from these parts”
“It’s a long story” said Mcclane
“We have plenty of time” said Luigi
As Mcclane was about to start the story, a knock came from the door. Mario got up to open it and the four of them crowded round it.
When Mario opened the door, they were greeted by the sight of a cartoon figure resembling a masked wrestler with boxing gloves for hands. Next to him was a small yellow creature.
“Erm…hi” said the masked wrestler “I’m er…. Strong good and this is my pet: The Just”
“Yes that will do” he said to himself before turning back to the quartet
“My pal and I were travellin’ through this place when it started to rain. Can we stay here for the night?”
“You gotta be kiddin’ me! Do you think we’re stupid” he said adding an extremely foul word between we’re and stupid
“Come on!” said Strong Good “You don’t know what we’ve been through!”
The Just then made several squeaking noises
“Yeah!” said Strong Good “It’d be really crap to leave us in this weather!”
“Come on!” said Chowder to Mcclane “They might be friendly”
Mcclane sighed “Oh fine then”
“Great!” said Strong Good letting himself into the house with the Just. Mcclane turned to them a waved a finger in their faces
“I’m warning you. If you double cross us, I’ll make you sorry. Understand?”
Strong Good gulped
“Right” said Luigi “I’ll make some tea”
After Luigi made the tea, the group settled round the table.
“So you were gonna tell us what you’re doin’ here” said Mario
“OK” said Mcclane. He then told them how he and Chowder met, the mission they were on, how they’d saved Elmore and how they’d ended up here. Then he turned to Strong Good
“What about you guys. You look like you’ve got a story to tell”
Strong Good looked surprised
The Just nudged him. Strong Good leaned over and the Just whispered something in his ear.
“Yeah that’s right” said Strong Good snapping his head back up
“We’re travelling the world doin’ a roadshow to kids about how to be good. Yeah”
Mcclane raised an eyebrow
“Oh really? What’s the name of the show”
“Erm… Well it’s Strong Good’s show of Goodness!”
He quickly changed the subject
“What’re you guys doin’ in this place anyway?”
“It’s simple” said Chowder “We need to find a pipe that leads to England!”
“Yeah” said Mcclane turning to the Mario Bros “You guys must know how to find it”
“Sorry to disappoint you” said Luigi “But we don’t”
As Mcclane and Chowder collectively sighed, Mario spoke up
“But there is someone who does”
“Really?” said Mcclane “Who”
“His name’s Professor E Gadd” replied Mario “He’s got all kinds of gadgets including a pipe locator”
“Well where do we find him?” asked Chowder
“He lives in a place known as the boo woods” said Mario
“Sounds like a happy place” said Chowder
“Unfortunately it’s not” said Luigi “It’s always night there”
“No problem” said Mcclane “I worked night shifts in the NYPD, I can handle a dark forests”
“It’s not just that” said Luigi “It’s crawling with ghosts”
“Well we met a ghost recently” said Chowder “And she was pretty friendly”
“Well if you’re going, we’re coming with you” said Mario “You’ll probably need someone who knows these parts”
At that Luigi hushed Mario over to the corner of the room
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” said Luigi “You know we’ve got Bowser on our trail”
“Relax Luigi” said Mario “If we lie low, we’ll be fine. Besides we can beat him any day of the week
“Do you really think so?” said Luigi “Besides you know I hate ghosts”
“Well if you’d rather stay at home, be my guest. Just don’t come crying to me when Bowser finds you”
“Ok ok” said Luigi “I’ll come along. Yeesh”
They then stepped over to the table and sat down
“Who’s Bowser?” asked Chowder
“Don’t worry about him” replied Mario “He’s just some bully who’s looking for us”
Nobody noticed Strong Good and The Just smile amongst themselves.
“Then it’s settled” said Mcclane “Tomorrow we set off to find that E Gadd guy”
“Can we come?” asked Strong Good
“Why?” said Mcclane “Haven’t you got a show to go to?”
“Well…yeah” replied Strong Good “But we can’t just stand by while some evil doer threatens the safety of kids everywhere.”
“Oh go on!” Chowder begged Mcclane “They might be able to help us”
“Fine” sighed Mcclane “Get some sleep. We’ve gotta lot to do in the morning”
“Oh thank you!” said Strong Good “You won’t regret this!”
Later that night, Bowser, king of the Koopas was fast asleep in his own bed when he was awoken by the sound of his telephone ringing. He sleepily reached over, picked up the receiver and held it in his ear
A voice asked for Bowser, King of the Koopas
“Speaking” replied Bowser.
What he heard next pricked up his ears.
“Yeah” he said “I’ll head there tomorrow. Thanks for the tipoff”
The next day, after getting ready and having breakfast, Chowder and the gang left the house and swiftly arrived at the entrance to the Boo woods. The Tree’s reminded Chowder of the ones he’d seen in Maine although even more scary looking. They had no leaves, just branches that looked dead
“Do we have to go in there?” asked Luigi
“Come on man” said Mcclane “This is no time to get scared”
“I’m not scared!” said Luigi “I… I just remembered. I left the kettle on”
“Well Ok” said Mario as the rest of the gang walked into the woods “Give my regards to Bowser”
“Yeesh!” exclaimed Luigi running into the woods with the rest of the gang
Walking through the woods gave the whole gang the creeps. It was as dark as Mario had made it out to be and there appeared to be nobody about. Then a howl sounded out, causing the whole group to jump
“What was that!!!” said Luigi
“Probably just a stray dog” said Mario. Although he was trying to sound cool, calm and collected, inside he was as scared as Luigi.
“I hope so” said Chowder “I’d hate to run into some horrible blood sucking monster”
“Monster!” exclaimed Luigi
“Chowder!” said Mcclane
“Sorry” said Chowder.
As Mcclane grumbled to himself, he felt something tap him on the back
“Whaddya want now?” he asked Chowder
“Nothing” replied Chowder, looking confused
“Then why did you tap me?”
“I didn’t” said Chowder.
A few seconds later, Mcclane was tapped on the back a second time
“Ok stop it” said Mcclane “It wasn’t funny the first time and it wasn’t funny this time”
“I swear I’m not doing anything!” said Chowder.
A high pitched laughing sound behind them made the whole group jumped. They turned round.
“Ghost!” said Luigi
Which is exactly what it was. Or more like, three ghosts. One was pink and skinny, another was short and yellow and a third was also short, but blue.
“Run for it!” said Strong Good
The group did exactly that.
Fleeing through the forest wasn’t exactly the most pleasant experience for Chowder. Every few seconds a branch would smack him in the face. Adding to the danger was the fact that it was very difficult to see.
“Where are we running too?” asked Chowder.
Unfortunately Chowder never received an answer as immediately after he said it, Luigi tripped over a branch.
“Luigi!” yelled Mario running over to his brother.
As Mario helped his brother up, he then realised the ghosts were bearing down on them.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The ghosts reared up to attack, the Mario bros screamed and Chowder and the rest could only watch helplessly.
The ghosts were then pulled back by a blast of air. They frantically tried to escape, but it was all in vain and they were subsequently sucked into the source of the blast. Which was a vacuum cleaner being held by a short balding man with swirly glasses and a lab coat. When he finished sucking up the ghosts, he looked at the Mario bros and smiled.
“Nice to see you again sonny”
“Professor!” said Mario and Luigi simultaneously
“Thanks for saving us” added Luigi
“No problem youngsters” replied E Gadd. He then looked at Chowder and the rest of the gang
“Who might these people be?”
“They’re our new friends” said Mario who then told them their names and the quest they were on.
“Interesting” replied E Gadd
“Can you help us?” asked Mcclane
“Certainly” said E Gadd “I’d be more than willing to offer my services. Now what do you need?”
“We need to find the pipe that leads to England” said Chowder
“Well that’s a coincidence” said E Gadd “A few nights ago I had a dream. Two strange looking men told me to build a machine that would locate specific pipes. I only just finished it”
“Great!” said Mcclane “Lead the way”
After following E Gadd through the woods for some time, the group arrived at an enormous green and slightly ominous looking mansion.
“Wow!” said Chowder “Is that where you live”
“Don’t be silly laddy” said E Gadd “I live over there”
E Gadd pointed to a small shed, no bigger than an outdoor toilet.
“Is that it?” said Mcclane
“Don’t jump to conclusions” said E Gadd “It’s bigger than it looks”
As they walked up to it, Strong Good and the Just stopped
“Hey” said Strong Good “We’ll stand on guard outside.”
Mcclane raised an eyebrow
“Sure” he said confused
The rest of the group then walked into the hut
The inside of the hut was as dark as the forest had been. E Gadd switched on a light revealing a ladder leading down into a hole.
“Follow me” he said.
The group did so and climbed the ladder down into the darkness
The ladder lead to a dimly lit corridor. The group followed E Gadd through it until they arrived at a door. E Gadd opened the door and the quartet followed him inside
“Wow!” said Chowder
The room was enormous. It was made of red brick and filled with machines and scientific instruments.
E Gadd led them up to a large computer. He pressed a few buttons and its screen turned on
“Welcome to the Pipefinder 3000” said a soothing female voice
“Right” said E Gadd “Just press a few of these here buttons…”
The machine’s screen showed a box reading “Now finding: England pipe”.
A few seconds later, it said “Pipe located” and showed a map on the screen.
E Gadd pressed another button causing a piece of paper to emerge from a small slot on the front of the machine. Mario grabbed it.
“I know where this is” said Mario “Thanks Professor”
“No problem” replied the professor
“Are you coming with us?” asked Chowder
“Oh no!” laughed the professor “I’m much too old for that sort of thing. Well good luck”
When the group got back to the front entrance above ground, they expected to be greeted by Strong Good and the Just. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case
“Bwahahahaha!” laughed a voice as the group opened the door.
“Bowser!” said the Marios.
The whole hut was surrounded by various creatures such as turtles in armour and small brown mushrooms. At the head of it all was a large turtle with horns and a spiked shell
“That’s me, super loser brothers!” He stopped and looked at Chowder and Mcclane
“And I see you’ve got company too! No matter, my dungeons are more than big enough for the 4 of ya!”
“How did you find us?” asked Luigi
“Thanks to us!” said a familiar voice
The group turned to where the voice came from and saw Strong Good and the Just standing near the villains
“What!” said Chowder “I thought you were good guys!”
“Just an act kid” replied Strong Good “Our real names are Strong Bad and the Cheat!”
“No!” said Chowder
Mcclane simply sighed
“Anyway!” said Bowser “You’re coming with me!”